In Kansas City, under the illustrious leadership of Mayor Q-Ball, crime victims are now discovering a fascinating new reality: they’re being punished not for committing a crime, but for failing to provide their own security detail. That’s right—residents are apparently expected to hire private protection, the kind normally reserved for celebrities and foreign dignitaries, simply because Q-Ball’s administration has decided that policing is no longer a core function of city government. Instead, it’s treated like an optional add-on service, listed somewhere between curbside leaf pickup and the annual “Don’t Get Murdered” town hall meeting, where officials remind citizens to stay alert and maybe consider investing in body armor.
Q-Ball’s pro-crime governance philosophy—though he's sure to call it something more inspirational, like “equitable community-based de-escalation synergy”, has effectively transformed Kansas City into a choose-your-own-adventure book with no good endings. No matter which choices residents make, the final page always reads the same: someone steals your catalytic converter. It's the only guaranteed outcome in town, aside from ever-rising taxes and the inexplicable shortage of functioning streetlights.
This noble civic experiment in “community-led non-policing” has gone so swimmingly that Kansas City now resembles a lawless frontier settlement, just without the charm. Instead of horseback bandits and saloon brawls, we have porch pirates, hit-and-runs, and the occasional stolen Kia parked crookedly on someone’s lawn. And while the Old West at least offered wide-open spaces, here we get all the danger with the added bonus of horrendous parking and a sales tax rate that makes you wonder whether local government is funded by revenue or ransom.
But here’s the part Q-Ball didn’t script into his dystopian adventure novel: I’m not accepting this as the new normal. If elected, I fully intend to challenge this trajectory and restore sanity, safety, and accountability to Kansas City. Where the current administration shrugs its shoulders and drafts another task force, I believe in a city government that actually protects its citizens, without requiring them to hire their own personal cavalry. Public safety will stop being an optional upgrade and return to being a basic expectation. Criminals will stop enjoying the city’s hospitality program, and residents will finally get a leadership team that understands that “law enforcement” means enforcing the law, not brainstorming alternatives to it.
The city may have been pushed toward chaos, complacency, and catalytic-converter scavenger hunts, but the story doesn’t end there. I will change all this. And unlike Q-Ball’s dastardly deeds, this ending won’t be a surprise. It will be the result of leadership that shows up, steps up, and takes responsibility for the safety of the people who call Kansas City home.
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